Once Upon a Fairytale Cruise Masterpost

Fairytale Cruise.png


Thanks to @drunken_pilot for this art work!

Once upon a time, a sponsored scarecrow, a Cristal-drinking housebreaker, a pair of magic-wielding exes, a raging queen, and a portable hole enthusiast went on a singles cruise. It only got weirder from there.

Character Classes

  • Scarecrow: Scarecrow L4 Way of the Open Straw Monk
  • Peter Pan: Half-Elf L4 Bard
  • Wendy Darling: Human L4 Druid
  • Goldilocks: Human L4 Eldritch Knight Fighter
  • Queen of Hearts: Human L4 Path of the Berserker Barbarian
  • Hatter: Halfling L4 Wizard
  • Bonus: Sam revealed on Twitter that Jon Heder's character would have been the Tin Man!

Scarecrow’s Pickup Line

“Do you currently love anyone and are you open to loving someone new?”

  • (0:17:05) Goldilocks
  • (0:21:19) Queen of Hearts
  • (0:25:48) Wendy
  • (0:34:02) Hatter
  • (0:40:00) Beauty
  • (0:41:22) Gretel
  • (0:49:43) Hatter

Beast's Quiz Points

  • (2:30:32) Peter (+1)
    • Q: Which lady described her last relationship as a summer fling with a mermaid?
    • A: Wendy
  • (2:31:16) Goldilocks (+1)
    • Q: Which gentleman listed as his pet peeve, 'clocks?'
    • A: Hatter
  • (2:31:30) Peter (+1)
    • Q: Where’s the strangest place [this lady] has ever made love? In some random guy’s house in the woods, because breaking and entering is hot.
    • A: Goldilocks
  • (2:31:50) Wendy (+1)
    • Q: Which fella says that he only ever wears some leaves to bed?
    • A: Peter
  • (2:32:02) Scarecrow (+1)
    • Q: Which lady fantasizes about marrying a man so she can own more land?
    • A: The Queen
  • (2:32:19) Wendy (+1)
    • Q: Which bachelor said his goal was to find a monogamous relationship, but “only monogamous for them, not for me?”
    • A: Peter
  • (2:32:40) Hatter (+1)
    • Q: Which lady described her sex life as not hot, not cold, just tepid?
    • A: Goldilocks
  • (2:33:11) Goldilocks (-1), The Queen (-1), Goldilocks (+1)  
    • Q: Which gentleman said his last relationship was being married to an ocelot until he found out his spouse was cheating on him with a shark?
    • A: Hatter
  • (2:33:46) Peter (+1)
    • Q: Which lady’s ideal mate is someone magical, or several magical someones at the same time?
    • A: Wendy
  • (2:34:07) Goldilocks (+1)
    • Q: Which man said the strangest place he’s ever made love was and I quote: “There was a local munchkin who used to come to my cornfield and suck me off.”
    • A: Scarecrow  
  • (2:34:31) Scarecrow (+1)
    • Q: Which girl’s ideal mate is a small man?
    • A: The Queen
  • (2:34:52) The Queen (-1), Goldilocks (+1)
    • Q: Which gentleman goes to sleep wearing a wooden pole up his ass?
    • A: Scarecrow

Final tally:

  1. Peter (3) and Goldilocks (3)
  2. Wendy (2) and Scarecrow (2)
  3. Hatter (1)
  4. The Queen (-2)


  • (0:22:24) H: I will say that when you did that movement, I did become very aroused. Which is hard for me, since I don’t have blood. Amy: Is it very hard for you?
  • (0:24:24) Molly: The men here are literal monsters. I don’t know if you noticed, some are literally monsters.
  • (0:29:02) Hatter: Hey, Goldilocks! Someone’s coming! It’s me, baby, how are ya?!
  • (0:44:51) Queen: Peter, I’d like to say, I might be the queen of hearts, but you might be the king. You save him from his heart attack, you see? Do you see what I said there?
  • (1:02:59) Yuri: You don’t get to the gangplank until later in the night.
  • (1:27:01) Amy: I can bony action…  Scarecrow: I’m down!
  • (1:39:16) H: Mickey kicks through…  Yuri: Stop being so Goofy!
  • (1:44:45) Amy: This is not the Jolly Roger any more, this is the Mothership!
  • (1:51:02) Yuri: Whenever you say Belle, Hunchback goes, “Nooo!”
  • (1:56:21) Scarecrow: “...and we can play ‘HOOKY’ all night long!”
  • (2:26:48) Sam: I’m starting to think that love is a lie, and I could use a little bit of a boost. H: Like a handjob?
  • (2:29:57) Noelle: I prefer to think of myself as Pan sexual.
  • (2:30:22) Noelle: Call me Peter Pun! Sam: I’m going to take away that die.
  • (2:30:54) Amy: Are there any small mermen? Sam: PeeWee Mermen?
  • (2:45:25) Molly: I have a normal longsword, except the spirit of Amy Vorpahl is inside it. It talks to me. Sam: It’s an Amy Vorpahl sword.
  • (2:59:51) H: I’m very sensitive to having fingers in my cavities without warning.
  • (3:08:09) Sam: [Gretel] donated [the gingerbread house] to the company after we found her a husband. Nice guy, named Gary, their wedding was very sweet.
  • (3:45:36) Yuri: He used his boner action already, though.
  • (3:39:11) Steph: I ask Wendy, “What is the damage of your Amy Vorpahl sword?”

Media References