All throughout the year, we play in the world Matt brings
This Critmas deserves another tale on a string
And I, Liam, the One-Shot King
Have got the perfect twisted thing!
(0:31:45) Liam: ...what looks like a basin, or something with a giant sack in it, and it is moving rapidly away into the trees.
(0:32:04) Liam: As you run forward, you heard above you and and behind you, from the roof: “Eh ha ha ha ha! The fat man is ours!”
(0:34:53) Liam: A pale-skinned hag of a woman… “Elf flesh! So fresh!” She’s leering out under the brim of a tall, purplish hat in purple, filthy robes and her eyes hand sallow underneath. The teeth look mangy and brown and covered with filth.
(0:34:35) You a red, dark-skinned figure with horns and a tail lashing behind him carrying some sort of metal staff that look like octopus tentacles, raking across the snow.
(0:35:52) And over here, is a dead guy! You see a dead corpse of a man (maybe) with a great gray iron sword dragging through the snow, and one hand just hanging limp. Half of his ribs are gone.
(1:03:46) Marisha: Oh no, you guys, there’s a witch! Looks like she came over from Halloween Town!
(1:22:06) Liam: Worm Sack!
(1:44:20) Liam: You reach a large glade in the middle of this wintry forest. In all this empty space, there’s five trees standing alone atop a small little hill. It’s a ring of trees, perfectly spaced, almost as if by design.
(1:47:03) Inside each of these trees are doors.
(2:01:56) Liam: Immediately around you are five withered, blackened trees, twisted and bare against and ashy haze of sky. Set within each of them is a faded, filthy door fashioned in the shape of a heart, a shamrock, an egg, a turkey, and in the last, a faded, filthy green Christmas tree. Beyond the trees is a wasteland...
(2:02:40) Liam: Maybe close to a mile from where you now stand is another tree, not like the five you’re standing amongst. Curved, large, looming large on the horizon. There’s some sort of clump or mass resting in its branches…
(2:04:34) Liam: You start to make out the details of what looks like a large, bulky, multifaceted treehouse, several shacks shoved together willy-nilly, spiralling up.
(2:07:25) Liam: ...the pieces of piping wrapping around the tree.
(2:49:30) Liam: There is a wall on one side, and it’s broken away on three others. Off in the distance, you can see three trees… Dark haze in every direction. But what is right in front of your face is a gigantic iron pipe coming right out of the floor, five or ten feet from the ladder. It is wide. The one wall that hasn’t been ripped away, there is a door, and there is a moon carved into the door.
(2:51:26) Liam: A huge, hulking bathtub, on its side, clawed feet… The rim of the bathtub have teeth sticking out of it, and huge purple tongue is [sticking out].
(2:57:17) Liam: Torchlight shines … A huge series of disks of brass or metal, a gigantic tower stands above you. In the torchlight, you see this strange, corpulent form staring down at you, it’s flesh more of a vile, soiled fabric, almost like burlap. Red beady eyes glow from dark cuts in the face. You see rusty hooks and thick, coarse string holding its disgusting suit together. It cackles, “Hahahaha!” And you see something spilling out of its mouth, but it’s hard to see in this light. “What have we here? An intrepid band of what, lawn gnomes, here to take my prize? You’re jokin’!”
(3:42:25) Hallow King: Enough! This has all gone too far! Release him! Liam: As you all turn, you see a pale, gaunt figure trawling over the broken stone of this ruined tower. It’s lithe, it’s fast, this being’s skin is translucent and slick. You can see the skeleton frame and large misshapen skull sitting there within the rind that is this creature’s head. The eyes are black; two round wet orbs that are lidless and unnerving. Hallow King: I started this mess, and now we will finish it! Liam: You see the muscles in his jaws, which are like strips of ribbon candy sliding through milky water stretch and unfold and its mouth splits at the chin, unfolding horrifically and a long, writhing tongue spills out.
(3:47:10) Marisha: [The Hallow King] is trying to help me! It is like the movie!
(3:59:36) Marisha: And hold my action until I’m in range of Oogie Boogie. [...] Matt: It’s not Oogie Boogie.
(4:30:57) Hallow King: Wait. I am to blame. I started this mess. I mean to make amends.
(4:32:32) Liam: Santa touches the side of his nose...
(4:33:29) Liam: You see, far below, a white tub slowly marching along the barren earth.
Let’s be honest, how surprised were we, really? The signs were all there, as we’ve documented below.
(0:07:08) Liam: You miss the halcyon days of yore when toys were made by hand and built exclusively from wood and metal and came with an inherent physical danger or choking hazard. Lawn darts? Those were your idea. Chutney: Those were the good old days, you damn whippersnappers.
(0:18:40) Chutney: Assembly? I remember when toys were one piece of wood!
(0:24:08) Chutney coughs at Santa’s entrance. Santa: Chutney, are you all right? Travis: Yes, it’s such a privilege! *cough* Liam: He pats your back really hard with his meaty Santa hand. Travis: He touched me!
(0:26:39) Santa: Chutney, you spring chicken! How’s the arthritis treating those knees? Chutney: It’s actually okay, I’ve been taking some glucosamine, and it’s really been helping with this bone-on-bone grinding… The curvature of my spine has been a bit of a problem. But it comes from making so many excellent rocking horses! Santa: They don’t make them like that anymore, do they? Kids, they want their snitches, their flitches-- Chutney: “Eh, I want a VR headset, bloo!” Reality! It’s real!
(0:40:47) Chutney: Recognize the alpha!
(1:28:34) Chutney: [after trying out the tentacle staff] Woah, woah. That’s f***in’ dark. I like it. Steve, take a seat.
(1:33:07) Chutney: Now, hold on, now, let’s just think about this. Santa’s out. A position of power is open. We could fill it an rule Christmas ourselves.
(1:34:37) Chutney: [lifting the bag] It’s a new world order, motherf***er! ...Tell you what. I’ll just run the shop, and we’ll run auditions for Santa.
(1:39:03) Chutney: Listen, we’re so far behind on production, we give him 24 hours, and then he’s dead! We’ve got kids to please!
(2:03:14) Chutney: Well, no Santa, time to go back! We’re going forward? Bunglestein: How long have you been formulating this plan? Chutney: I’m a realist, all right? I read the landscape and I adapt! That’s how I’ve stayed alive this long!
(2:10:10) Chutney: In my day, when we used to fix things, you just hit it real hard!
(3:33:15) Chutney: I don’t need any magic! In my day, we pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps and did things with our hands!
(3:35:30) (as Worm Sack stabs Santa) Sam: Into Santa? Liam: Yes, into Santa. Chutney: Yeah! (cackles) Power’s mine!
(4:06:10) Chutney: End his reign.
(4:07:05) Chutney: Made me make a Frisbee of wood. It was impossible.
(4:09:00) Chutney: But there’s the fat man. I could do this. I move toward Saint Nick. He told me to make Voltron out of wood! No one wanted it! He told me to make a Game Boy! I can’t do circuits! He told me to make the little Trolls, but their hair didn’t move. And I’ll take my wooden chisel-- are there any restraints on Santa? Liam: Yeah, he’s tied down. Chutney: I stab him in the chest!
(4:11:18) Chutney: I stare at him.
(4:24:20) Klaus: Do you intend to finish what you started? Chutney: We could be rihc! We could sell off the land. It ends the suffrage of the elves. We could be property owners! Think of the magic! [...] You have to decide if you’re going to be a man.
(4:26:06) Chutney: You’re a fool, Klaus! We can’t compete with Amazon!
(4:28:35) Chutney: I’ve underappreciated my whole life. I never learned new skills. No one loves wood and metal toys any more. I just wanted to be on top for once! I’m sorry! (shakes jingle bells)
Other Media References
(0:01:59) Liam: We have some elf miniatures from Hero Forge. My friend, Ian Phillips, has a company called Iron Tusk Painting… And Jay from Emerald Knights, which is a gaming shop right here in Burbank.
(0:03:33) Liam: (sings “O Tannenbaum” by Ernst Anschütz in… not the original German.)
(0:09:08) Liam: Three time reigning champion of the Timbersport Olympics in both Christmas tree hauling and tree chopping.
(0:10:45) Liam: Working as an emissary at the offices at Macy’s.
(0:15:23) Matt: I never watched Dice, Camera, Action.
(0:21:30) Travis: You’re doing it, Peter! (Pan)
(0:25:21) Liam: I can’t tell you how much I want to do the whole thing like Brian Blessed!
(0:29:46) Sam: I only heard that once before, and it was when Rudolph was being mercilessly teased by the other reindeer.
(0:44:44) Julie: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle bells… (by James Lord Pierpont)
(1:01:47) Sam: Here comes Bunglestein, here comes Bunglestein, here down Sprucenberg way... (“Here Come Santa Claus” by Gene Autry)
(1:10:54) Matt: Multicultural pole, up north. Marisha: Very liberal. Matt: Don’t tell the conservatives. There’s apparently a war on against us.
(1:20:56) Sam: It’s a cookbook! A cookbook! (The Twilight Zone)
(1:26:19) Sam: I don’t speak reindeer very well, but I think Santa fell down a well over there and we gotta go rescue him! (Lassie)
(1:34:21) Marisha: Those hips don’t lie. (“Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira)
(1:37:22) Julie: Bruce Sprinklestein? Sam: That’s me. The Boss.
(2:08:06) Marisha: I earned my place on the Wheaties box.
(2:09:28) Marisha: I take Mister Bungle’s pitons.
(2:12:43) Marisha: Has anyone tried to get a Furby?
(2:14:56) Chutney: C’mon, X Games, give it a whirl.
(2:15:44) Liam: ...then begins to Nathan Drake his way…
(2:16:21) Liam: So you’re hanging Mission Impossible style.
(2:20:00) Marisha: I’m going to try to climb up Mr. Bungle.
(2:21:26) Liam: Remember that game, Monkeys in a Barrel?
(2:29:37) Liam: What you see is an almost entirely red room. There are black chains hanging from the ceiling with hooks hanging on them, gently swaying. Matt: Mr. Grey will see you now. Marisha: 50 Shades!
(2:29:56) Liam: Al Gore is just doing the worm.
(2:30:05) Marisha: Speaking of fanfiction…
(2:34:11) Marisha: Any Peeps?
(2:40:46) Marisha: It’s Stan Lee!
(2:41:19) Ashley: Is there are rock on the ground? Something I can throw at it? Shawshank Redemption it?
(2:55:43) Liam: It’s a total Goonies moment.
(2:55:49) Liam: Just like Magic Mountain.
(3:09:44) Matt: *singing* When I’m saving Christmas, I touch myself. (“I Touch Myself” by Divinyls)
(3:10:53) Marisha: I cast the giant head of the Brawny man and he’s got very absorbent paper towels. Matt: *singing* The quicker, thicker, f*** you upper, Bounty! [...] Liam: Jolly Green Giant goes where.
(3:12:27) Liam: Giant Mister Clean attacks. Sam: Mister Clean, the Brawny man, whatever.
(3:12:50) Liam: So the Fuller Brush Man…
(3:13:02) Marisha: *singing* Hark how the bells, sweet silver bells… (“Carol of the Bells”)
(3:21:57) Liam: *singing* Tis the season… (“Deck the Halls”)
(3:22:40) Liam: Now it is Wormtongue’s turn.
(3:25:15) Liam: (accented) We’ve gotta save Santa, guys!
(3:35:41) Bunglestein: Oh, Holy Night! Chutney: It’s going to be Silent Night if you don’t hurry up!
(3:36:47) Travis: *singing* Hark how the bells, sweet silver bells…
(3:38:42) Cranberry: I’m going to tap into my Timbersports.
(3:39:27) Sam: Whack-a, whack-a, whack-a wasp! (“So What Cha Want” Beastie Boys) NSFW
(3:40:31) Travis: Raid!
(3:42:15) Julie: Da, da, da-da da. (“Mah Na Mah Na”)
(3:45:13) Taliesin: Snicker-snack! (The Jabberwocky)
(3:50:08) Liam: This is why Santa calls you The Fixer.
(3:55:19) Chutney: *singing* Keep holding on! (Avril Lavigne)
(3:59:21) Matt: Like Blade 3.
(4:05:05) Liam: And slashes at Wormtongue.
(4:05:57) Matt: Dreamworks Animation presents: Butt Up.
(4:07:05) Chutney: Made me make a Frisbee of wood.
(4:11:03) Liam: Anything else, Hannibal?
(4:13:28) Liam: If Wormtongue can do it…
(4:13:46) Nutmeg: I’m going to do what I call Ebenezer’s Scorcher. [...] Marisha: I’m the ghost of Christmas past! (A Christmas Carol)
(4:15:53) Liam: This sack lights ablaze like the Wicker Man.
(4:18:25) Liam: They part like the Red Sea, seeing you come up.
(4:20:09) Bunglestein: Don’t worry, Santa, you’re still coming to town. (“Santa Claus is Coming to Town”)
(4:36:17) Liam: ...like the down of a thistle. You heard him exclaim, e’er he drove out of sight, Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.
(2:07:45) Travis’ motions on the widths of piping.
(2:12:33) Marisha: [The death of people trying to sneak into the North Pole] is how Black Friday got its name! It’s the dark bloods of the snow!
(2:20:49) Bunglestein: Come on, everyone use my body! Ellory: I’d like to use your body! Bunglestein: Okay! I’d really like that. Never had someone as pretty as you use my body before!
(3:09:29) Nutmeg: All right. I’m gonna touch myself.
(3:28:30) Bunglestein: Watch out for balls! Matt: Sound advice, depending. Chutney: In your face, or where? Bunglestein: Yeah, just flying at your face. [...] Chutney: Sounds like Miami, 1984.
(2:35:42) Sam: O holy night! Matt: It’s going to be a silent night if you don’t hurry up!
(3:40:57) Sam: Just crowning.
(4:05:51) Liam: He’s down, but up. Julie: Butt up or… never mind.
(4:06:01) Liam: Nut, Butt, and Chut, this Christmas!
(4:20:09) Bunglestein: Don’t worry, Santa, you’re still coming to town.
(4:37:02) Marisha: And that’s why we put chutney next to every cheese plate.
Yep. Across time, worlds, and holidays, these continue to be a thing.
Chutney (9, 0:14:19) Performance Check
Chutney (5, 9, 0:23:12) Performance Check with advantage
Night Hag (9, 0:59:47) Magic Missile
Bunglestein (9, 1:00:33) Damage
Klaus (9, 1:02:22) Candy Cane against Dead Guy
Klaus (9, 1:20:06) Candy Cane against Night Hag
Bunglestein (9, 1:38:04) Nature Check
Bunglestein (9, 2:25:24) Stealth Check
Cranberry (9, 2:34:22) Investigation Check
Nutmeg (9, 3:00:42) Initiative
Ellory (9, 3:06:59) Damage
Ellory (9, 3:19:52) Damage
Arthur (9, 3:45:42) Dexterity Save
Klaus (9, 3:56:30) Damage
Klaus (9, 4:25:20) Damage
It ain’t Critmas without critical rolls.
Bunglestein (0:14:29) Performance Check
Arthur (0:16:53) Acrobatics Check
Bunglestein (0:21:02) Performance Check with advantage
Bunglestein (1:01:27) Acrobatics Check
Chutney (1:08:43) Chisel against Bearded Devil
Arthur (1:49:10) Perception Check
Bunglestein (2:20:11) Strength Check
Arthur (2:42:36) Investigation Check
Chutney (2:56:08) Acrobatics Check
Klaus (3:17:13) Candy Cane against Gelatinous Cube with disadvantage (disregarded)
Klaus (3:49:09) Candy Cane against Worm Sack
Bunglestein (0:19:29) Performance Check with advantage (disregarded)
Nutmeg (0:54:36) Fire Bolt against Bearded Devil
Cranberry (1:17:02) Axe AoO against Night Hag with advantage (disregarded)
Cranberry (1:17:14) Axe AoO against Night Hag with advantage
Cranberry (2:14:23) Athletics Check
Klaus (2:17:23) Athletics Check
Ellory (2:25:39) Stealth Check
Klaus (2:49:46) Perception Check
Nutmeg (3:24:44) Dexterity Check
Klaus (4:25:35) Candy Cane attack against Chutney
Gelatinous Cube (Nat1, 3:18:08) Wisdom Save
Worm Sack (Nat20, 3:37:38) Strength Saving Throw
Worm Sack (Nat1, 3:48:23) Strength Saving Throw