Beyond the Decision: The Presidential Race for D&D Beyond

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As voters take to the polls for the presidency of D&D Beyond, we at CritRoleStats feel it important to review the intense political climate that has accompanied the 2019 race. While many constituents have already cast their vote, some may still find themselves on the fence. To that extent, we have not only compiled important moments from the respective campaign trails, but have taken statements from the candidates themselves. We’d like to thank all of the candidates for their valuable time and insights into this election.

This article is not sponsored by D&D Beyond nor any of the candidates. CritRoleStats does not endorse any of the candidates, and publishes this piece via the core principles of independence, transparency, accuracy, thorough reporting, and fairness to the parties and voting citizens alike. Candidates are presented in ascending alphabetical order only; no other significance should be interpreted.


Arsequeef

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  • Announced date of candidacy: March 7, 2019

  • Party: ArseQueef’s Representative Senate for Everyone (ARSE)

  • Campaign slogans: #VoteWithYourArse

  • Official Platform: Inclusive. “D&D Beyond is for everyone, and I want to keep it that way. D&D Beyond is international and the tools need to reflect that. Once I'm President you will be able to weigh your piles of gold in pounds or in kilograms, you will be able to change the date format so you're never 3 months late for a session again.“

CRS: Several weeks before you announced your own entry in the race, you had voiced support for another candidate. What inspired you to take up your own campaign?

AQ: What inspired me to start my own campaign was the lies I saw being fed to people every Thursday. The name calling, the back stabbing, the flip-flopping on the big issues. Scandal after scandal after scandal. No one can argue that my opponents don't have the charisma to run a successful campaign, but they have no clue how to run the official tool-set for the world’s greatest role playing game. 

CRS: If you could have been elected, what would be your first act as president?

AQ: My first action would be to rename the D&D Monster Manual to the Husband Catalog. For far too long the fine creatures of D&D Beyond have had a singular purpose, to be killed. That changes once I become President. I will also add a *current booty calls* tab to the Extras section of D&D Beyond, to make it easier to keep track of your monster partners.

CRS: In her candidacy announcement, vice presidential candidate Ashley Johnson accused you of just wanting, quote, “to sleep with [her] fiancé and running mate.” Do you have any comment regarding these allegations?

AQ: Ms. Johnson was correct in her statement; I'm not going to argue that. But if that is a reason not to vote for me, then I would like to bring to your attention the fact that the two other parties in this election are not only sleeping together, but often refer to themselves as MARRIED despite being fierce opponents in this race. This is unacceptable to me and should be to all of you. In the eyes of the people they have a choice between three candidates, but in reality there is only TWO, myself and the Riegel-O'Brien alliance. They have RIGGED this from the very start, they don't hate each other, they don't disagree how D&D Beyond should be lead, they love each other and no matter which one of them wins, the other will be by their side no matter what! Don't be fooled, and Vote With Your Arse!

CRS: Although you ultimately did not appear on the ballot, what one thought would you like constituents to have in their minds as they select their choice for president?

AQ: I'm not going to ask my loyal supporters to abstain from the vote, that would be silly. I ask them to vote for the person that they think would be the second best person to run D&D Beyond and put their full support behind them. I look forward to congratulating Liam on his win.


Liam O’Brien

  • Announced date of candidacy: February 21, 2019

  • Party: Li-mertarian Party

  • Campaign slogans: By the Book, #VoteWithYourJohnson, #LiamForPres

  • Official Platform: Rules as Written, By the Book. “With me as your next president, we will rediscover the true joy of gaming: systemic memorization.” 

CRS: If elected, what would be your first act as president?

LIAM: To usher in a new Gygaxian era of governance and balance, my first act as President will be to broaden the scope of D&D Beyond. Coordinating at both the local and national level, I will enact expansive reform, bringing all state and city governance under the banner of D&D Beyond. A Hit Die in every home. In the years to follow, this will be broadened to all of North America, and globally by 2022.

CRS: Despite starting your campaign a month and a half after your primary opponent and without an official campaign manager, this does not appear to have negatively impacted your poll numbers. To what do you attribute your success?

LIAM: My track record speaks for itself. In the four years I have championed law and order for D&D Beyond users, I have set a clear and concise example. I pride myself on knowing every aspect of combat turns, spell use, and Assassinate features. And of course, I’m most remembered for my unresting pursuit of R. Larkin. Mark my words, one day, he will be unmasked.

CRS: Although you have been cleared of suspicion regarding foreign campaign contributions, there have been accusations that you may be in bed with the opposition. Do you have any comment regarding these allegations?

LIAM: These rumors are laughable, at best. While its true my opponent may have once served beneath me on occasion, those days are long gone. And he and his scurrilous ways are where they always should have been- behind me.

CRS: As constituents line up to polls, what one thought would you like them to have in their minds as they select their choice?

LIAM: Obviously I am the steady hand this ship needs, but I warn voters to think what a world beset by my opponent would descend into: lawlessness, extreme hedonism, and ironic speedo wearing.


Sam Riegel

  • Announced date of candidacy: January 10, 2019

  • Party: The Grand Young Samocratic Party

  • Campaign slogans: Yes We Cantrip, Nott My President, Crits About To Get Real, Sam Riegel Gets S*** Done, Trying to find compassion for someone who has done truly despicable things, God Bless Samerica, #SamForPres

  • Official Platform: Rule of Cool, Fun and Entertainment, the charm of its leader. “It was for your entertainment. Which is really what D&D is about: not about rules, about entertainment.”

CRS: If elected, what would be your first act as president?

SAM: Important stuff. Very important stuff. First, I'll give everyone who uses the app 3,000 XP, because everyone made a great decision to vote for me. Next, my employees at D&D Beyond deserve a day off. They work too hard! Let's all go to Six Flags. And maybe we can charge it to the company. I can do that, right? I'm the President! After that, I'll get down to brass tacks and start thinking about the future of D&D, how to take this game we love and make it even more exciting, inclusive and approachable to new players.

CRS: What inspired you to run for the president of D&D Beyond, despite the lack of position or vacancy?

SAM: The inspiration to run for office was more of an existential calling. A voice in my head that said, "Sam, you do great ads every week. But you could do so much more!" It's a fantastic opportunity to effect change in our little corner of geekdom, and give back to the company that has given so much to Critical Role. Also... I've always wanted to be the president of something.

CRS: Both your primary opponent, as well as the leading third-party candidate, have opted to have a running mate. What has been your reasoning behind running solo?

SAM: Confidence. Conviction. A single-minded devotion to this product and this company. Oh, and I asked a few people and they all turned me down, so...

CRS: As constituents line up to polls, what one thought would you like them to have in their minds as they select their choice?

SAM: I may not be the best campaigner -- I've made mistakes, weathered scandals, stumbled over words -- but one thing is 100% clear: I love D&D Beyond. I've been promoting it and pushing for it for the last 1.5 years, week after week, show after show. As much as I love Liam, I've put in the time, energy and creativity to make it the best damn platform for D&D that I can. Also... I wrote a really cool song about it.

CRS: Scandal has been an important part of your campaign’s publicity. Do you have any more planned just before the polls open?

SAM: The only scandal was the illegal financial support to the O'Brien/Johnson campaign from a shadowy UK figure known as Mark Hulmes. Now, many have alleged that this was all some sort of "false flag" attempt by me to take down my opponent and draw attention away from the issues. But these are baseless accusations. Anything I have done this campaign has been with honor, humility... or because I thought it would be kinda funny. The rest of this race will be run purely based on merit. And may the best candidate win. #SamForPresident


Campaign Archive

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We'd like to thank all the candidates for their time, wish best of luck to Sam Riegel and Liam O’Brien, and pass our condolences to Arsequeef for not appearing on the ballot. Lastly, we present our compendium of significant events that made up the campaign trail on Critical Role and Talks Machina.

  • 2-47 (0:00:42) Sam announces his candidacy, first speech:

    • SAM: When in the course of tabletop RPGs, it becomes necessary to throw off the shackles of pencil and paper and assume the organization powers of the iPad. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all player-characters are created equal (except bards, who are more awesome); that all monsters shall be organized not by the color of their skin, but by the challenge rating of their character; that all people enjoy freedom of religion (except in Wildemount, because they be assholes); that monks somehow be allowed to attack like 14 times a round; and that everyone sign up for D&D Beyond. For too long, D&D Beyond has suffered under the terrible leadership of... someone? I didn't look it up. But whoever they are, I know they have failed! For example, have you seen the guy they've tapped to do their advertising? Terrible. Friends, if you elect me, I will [INSERT CAMPAIGN PROMISE HERE]. Now, I don't know what my campaign  promises are, but I WILL, for the next rally. Ooh, and slogans! I need a slogan, and you guys can help. Something like "Make Exandria Great Again," or, "I Like Pike," or, "We are all the Sam we believe in," or something. In conclusion (conclusion conclusion conclusion...), what do we have to fear but fear itself, those who fail to learn from history are doomed to televise the revolution, so ask not what your country can do for you, let them eat cake, and Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. Thank you, and God bless D&D Beyond.

  • 2-49 (0:01:12) Sam announces a series of campaign slogans; Dani is announced as the Sampaign Manager. Dani moderates Sam’s first rally speech.

    • SAM: Friends, critters, countrymen. D&D Beyond is a horrifying wasteland of shame and only I can pull it from the foul swampy depths of-- I mean, D&D Beyond is a wonderful app, and the sponsor of this program, where you can build your favorite characters and track their adventures and treasures. Which is why I, Sam Riegel, will UNCEREMONIOUSLY DECIMATE THE CURRENT PRESIDENT, LEAVING THEIR BODIES-- I mean, I'm eager to share my plans to improve this already excellent app. Here is what the Sam for President Sampaign stands for: under my Riegelship, every character will come pre-loaded with one inspiration point. Your default app background will be a picture of me! All characters get 69 hit points! ...Nope, okay. You'll have a new option: a short rest, a long rest, or a sex nap.

  • 2-52 (0:00:28) Liam O’Brien announces his campaign.

    • LIAM: My fellow table-toppers, I am coming to you in these dark times to bring sense and reason to the table. For too long has our great game been sliding into a lugubrious den of iniquity, malfeasance, and ineptitude. We live in a world where any Tom, Dick, and Harry can come waltzing into the hallowed halls of both dungeons and dragons with half-baked backstories and Cockney accents in hand, and run roughshod over the time-honored traditions of fantasy make-believe. My opponent in the race to be president of D&D Beyond has relied too long on charm, quick thinking, creative character choices, and that cartoonishly large parasail he calls a smile. Sure, he and his compatriots have peddled you a steady stream of things like heart, humor, complex exploration of the human condition, and the playing of roles in this role-playing game. But at what cost? At. What. Cost. As your next president of D&D Beyond, I am running on a platform of accountability, on the rule of law, and the law of the rules. I promise a new era of gravity and honor. No longer will Hunter's Mark be mismanaged. Rages will be raged when it is indeed time to rage, whether you'd like to or no. And so help me Larkin, every rogue will know precisely when and how to implement the assassinate feature. Enough is enough. My opponent would have you believe that D&D is about story, adventure, magic and wonder. Don't you believe it, my friends. Don't you believe it. With me as your next president, we will rediscover the true joy of gaming: systemic memorization. To d4, or not to d4: that is the question. Thank you, and gods bless D&D Beyond. (VO) I’m Sam Riegel’s husband and I approve this message. 

  • 2-53 (0:03:35) Liam earns Laura’s vote after Sam’s introduces Yondi to the cast. Sam speculates he lost many more.

  • 2-54 (0:00:35) D&D Beyond introduces discount codes based on Sam or Liam; Sam makes a campaign video on a ski trip to make it tax deductible.

    • SAM: It was for your entertainment. Which is really what D&D is about: not about rules, about entertainment.

  • 2-55 (0:02:51) Job opening from “underdog candidate.”

    • SAM: Last but not least, image consultant required. “Guten tag. I am an underdog candidate for political office in search of an image consultant to help overcome my impossible odds. Currently running a failing campaign for president of D&D Beyond getting ass handed by far more attractive, energetic, and likable candidate. Attempted to run on a platform of rules, math, and fascism, but my opponent's smile can melt a million hearts, and he can charm the world with his wit. Please help me restart my atrocious campaign and salvage my dignity before I am decimated. Send CV to German accent at Liam O'Brien dot TV.”

  • 2-56 (0:00:57) Sam and Liam state their positions. Sam has celebrity “endorsements” from Ben Schwartz, Aimee Carrero, Bobby Moynihan, Dave Hewlett, Grey DeLisle, Tim Simons, Yvette Nicole Brown, and Tony Hale.

    • SAM: I'm Sam Riegel, and I approved this message, because celebrities are the best among us. (kiss)

  • 2-56 (Sam’s Flask) Sam’s flask asks, “How can you trust a man who can’t even decide if he has hair?”

  • 2-58 (0:00:40) Liam announces his running mate. Ashley Johnson goes on the attack.

    • LIAM: I have a vitally important announcement this evening. Let's be frank: over the last several weeks the political landscape around D&D Beyond has gotten a little clouded. In a race that should be about the issues plain and simple, well again and again we see an election process lost in haze, obscured by cheap gimmicks, third party candidates, and an overall-- do not say that name-- and an overall lack of focus. While my overwhelming lead in the polls should be a comfort to us all--
      SAM: Well, the polls can be wrong.
      LIAM: Make no mistake. Unlike some, I take this election eminently serious. To that end, in an effort to shine a light on corruption and illuminate any of you still in doubt it does me and the Everlight herself my great honor to formally announce my running mate on the road--
      SAM: There's literally no one you can announce that would have any chance of beating me, but go on.
      LIAM: Come with me to D&D and beyond, Ashley Johnson. My running mate. You all know where I stand. Ashley, welcome back. The table top is yours.
      ASHLEY: Thank you, Mr. President. As a testament to Liam's character and judge of thereof, he's chosen me as his vice president in this campaign. To say I'm honored would be an understatement of my own achievements, so I will just say: You're welcome. As Liam's running mate it is only fitting that I drop some running hate. To the people of this great land, this man offers you not only himself, but also myself, and what is myself? Well, I can tell you what myself is not, and myself is not an alcoholic. Friends, people, voters, we all watched this week's Talks Machina where my running mate's opponent came out in favor of alcoholism. Alcoholism, what is this, 1956? What do you go home and watch Mad Men at night and pretend that's how the world still is? Do you want a candidate with the lily white hands of a man who has never worked a day in his life or someone with hands so seasoned and robust you both imagine them tucking you in at night and strangling your enemies at the same time? There are real issues on the table with this election. Are the people supposed to rally behind a guy who looks like a donkey wearing a Jeff Goldblum mask? Or a tried and true man of the people with a smile that doesn't make you want to drown yourself in hot goat piss. Oh and this third party candidate, Arsequeef, just wants to sleep with my fiance and my running mate. Right now, yes, we are ahead in the polls, but we may not always have this delicious of a lead, but les-be honest, polls are meant to be ridden. Only one person and that person's recently announced running mate can bring order and structure to the world once more. Those two people that I'm talking about are Liam and myself, just to be clear. So this year #VoteWithYourJohnson-- And vote O'Brien for president. And that is all I have to say.

  • 2-59 (before opening credits) Sam wears a shirt with the the following text:

    • There's no I in DnDBeyond…
      Liam O'Brien has two I's.
      Take them away and he's LAM O'Bren…
      Would you trust a man name LAM O'Bren? NO!
      Sam Riegel for President.
      Also who the f*** is Lam O'Bren?...

  • 2-59 (0:00:35) Sam comments on Ashley Johnson’s statements from the previous week. Sam sings a song to honor both D&D Beyond and MST3K. Predictions regarding his results in the election are not what he anticipated. 

  • 2-61 (0:00:27) Sam rebutts Ashley Johnson’s statements from two weeks prior.

    • SAM: The great thing about D&D Beyond everybody is it's all about accuracy, right? They can handle the stats for you, they can handle calculating damage, adding bonuses, ability checks, all that stuff. It's super duper accurate, something that I, Sam Riegel, as a candidate for president, am hyper-focused on, accuracy. But a couple of weeks ago, my opponents, O'Brien and Johnson, said some slanderous things about me that were not accurate. I wanted to set the record straight tonight. Ashley Johnson said that I had lily-white hands that had never worked a day in their lives. Inaccurate. It's at least not the whole picture. The whole picture is my entire body is as doughy as Val Kilmer in a funnel cake factory. She accused me of looking like a donkey wearing a Jeff Goldblum mask, also inaccurate. My face is much more like a Steve Buscemi Halloween mask that has melted in the back seat of your Kia. Johnson said that my smile made you want to drown yourself in hot goat piss, not accurate. It's my voice that makes you want to drown me out with a stereo mix of Limp Bizkit and Michelle Wolf. The members of the O'Brien-Johnson campaign build themselves as honest, nice D&D; players, but if we're being accurate, Liam isn't nice. He's an authoritarian party pooper whose characters are darker than the last episode of Game of Thrones, and sadder than a double feature of Flight 93 and Requiem for a Dream. His voice is so shrill it's like listening to an ASMR video of someone sandblasting a litter of puppies. And Ashley, her character is, I mean, does she even know? She's missed so many games, it's more games than Michael Vick and Tonya Harding combined. But hey, at least she missed them for a good reason. Her "hit show" Blindspot is seen by literally hundreds of people every week. When does it air, by the way? Is it still 3:00am Wednesdays between infomercials for eyebrow implants and a towel that absorbs solid waste? But I'm not here to roast Ashley. I mean, les-be honest, she is America's sweetheart. How could anyone dislike someone who has more OshKosh B'gosh overalls in her closet than Michael Jackson did? Liam, on the other hand, is totally fair game. His character choices are so emo, Damien Rice called and said that they were too heavy. His monologues are more emotionally depleting than the discography of Dashboard Confessional. Liam could have single-handedly funded our Kickstarter if he didn't have so many traffic tickets from searching himself on Tumblr while driving. But as Dani Carr always advises me, I don't need to go low in this election to win. No, I'm going to win the way I won my Emmy: by porking an executive of a trophy company. And that is accurate. Thank you, and God Bless Samerica.

  • Talks Machina for 2-63

    •  (0:23:05) Sam requests Liam clearly repeat himself about what Caleb did to the horse in Rosohna. Liam defends his love of animals while pointing out that Sam has never pet Henry. Sam defends that he does not want to catch Brian’s germs.

    • (0:35:08) The group discusses Sam’s original intentions for the bit. Brian criticizes Sam’s campaign. Dani defends her candidate.

    • (0:39:55) After Dani’s heartfelt defense, Sam admits that Dani would have had a better chance in the campaign than he does.

    • (0:43:46) Sam pets “that dog, like I always do.”

    • (0:59:52) Mark Hulmes appears on the set, with Liam’s “canonical” relationships explained.

    • (1:08:55) Brian asks Mark who he would support in the election. Mark endorses Sam for his support of foreign diplomats. BRIAN: “Creepy ain’t a crime. But voting for Sam Riegel is.”

  • 2-65 (0:01:29) Sam unveils what appears to be a scandal in Liam’s campaign regarding contributions from a foreign agent.

  • 2-66 (0:00:48) Liam reveals what appears to be Sam’s attempt to sabotage Liam’s campaign. Liam takes Sam’s phone when he leaves the table.

  • 2-67 (0:01:08) Sam temporarily suspends his campaign following the previous week’s events to reassess.

  • 2-68 (0:03:03) Sam accidentally endorses Arsequeef and Liam for president.

  • 2-69 (0:01:01) Sam explains that his debating skills are that of a master.

  • 2-71 (0:00:44) Sam announces the end of the campaign trail and the opening of the polls on July 25. Ronin Willingham and Dani Carr moderate the D&D Beyond Master Debate 2019.

    • RONIN: [What are your plans for the future of D&D Beyond?]
      LIAM: Thank you, Ronin, and a heartfelt thanks to all my supporters, as well. Now naturally, my first act as president will see the ongoing balance of the app, ensuring the game can be played with maximum efficiency, precision, and I guess, fun, if you’re into that kind of thing. I also plan to--
      SAM: My response? Blah blah blah, listen to this guy! Listen, my fellow Samericans, while my opponent is a stick-in-the-mud, fuddy-duddy rule abider, I’ve embraced the heart of D&D. As your president, I’m going to make the D&D Beyond app cool “AF.” High key, I’ll add some sick skateboards, electric guitars, hoverboards, it’s gonna be woke! Hundo P! Extra! Is my time done? DANI: Nope, 18 more seconds. SAM: Great! Slay! I just want to say that I love all you critters out there, and when I win, you can expect more of my radical ads, and I don’t know, some free candy or something! How am I doing on time? DANI: 17 seconds left. SAM: Great!

    • RONIN: [How would you lead the employees of D&D Beyond, who serve at the pleasure of the President?]
      SAM: Thank you, Ronin, for that excellent question. How would I lead the employees of D&D Beyond? Well, real leaders have to set the tone for their employees and subordinates. So I’ll cruise into work 10:30, 11 most days, and I’ll give my employees cool nicknames like Slick Rick in accounting and H.R. Pufnstuf in H.R. And I’ll call the mail room guys Chief, ‘cause that’s cool.
      LIAM: I will be firm, but fair. I promise to keep this body focused on the time-honored traditions of this great game, and inspire my employees to strive for honor and excellence in their work. The tenants of Gygax will be hoisted to dizzying new heights. SAM: Can I do a quick rebuttal? Yawn. LIAM: Rebuttal your rebuttal, I will destroy you, Riegel. DESTROY you. SAM: Bring it on, O’Boring! LIAM: You know what, why don’t you go and write 50 more comedy bits about your own anus, you Elon Musk clone? DANI: Gentlemen, gentlemen, there are babies in this skit! Please be respectful. LIAM: Sorry. SAM: Sorry. It’s our fault.

    • RONIN: [Say one nice thing about your opponent.]
      LIAM: He-- well. He has charm. Obviously. But this campaign has changed him. He’s become something I do not recognize, driven by ambition, fueled by ego, but more than before. I wish that no matter who wins, we can someday return to being the true friends that we once were. Deep down, you are still my number one Sam Riegel.
      SAM: Wow. Liam, I am stunned. I had no idea that you were just going to waste your last answer like that. A nice thing about O’Braniac? No. I got nothin’ nice to say about this turd burglar. Vax couldn’t make it through Vox Machina campaign, and Liam isn’t going to survive this one. Riegel for President 2019, prosecution rests, booyah! That’s it.

    • DANI: Well, that is all the time we have. Thanks for joining us for this public master debating. Please forget this ever happened. Please. SAM: And that’s the debate, guys!

  • 2-72 (0:01:06) With the polls open, Sam and Liam present their closing statements.

    • SAM: My fellow Samericans. For months, you have watched me compete for your vote, weathered insults, I’ve survived scandal, I’ve pushed there very, far too long comedy bits like this one. I know that many of you think I haven’t taken this race as seriously as I should have. After all, the president of D&D Beyond is a real position that demands respect and true leadership. Which is why tonight, I have no gag. There’s no comedy, there’s no joke, no sound effects or master debating. There’s no mime-clown-juggler waiting in the wings-- Not the time, Max. Not the time. Tonight, I’m just going to be real, all right? Hi. I’m Sam Riegel, an ordinary guy who wants to bring D&D Beyond into the future. Rules, structure, I get it, it’s important, but that spark that brings us to this table every Thursday night, that excitement of the unknown, that anything can happen in D&D? That’s what this game we love, and my campaign, are all about. Preserving the game, sure, but also evolving it and hooking a new generation of DMs and players. With this app, we can all build great encounters and great things together. I’m Sam Riegel, the kind of guy you’d want to hang out with at a bar while you sip a beer, and while I sip a 2015 Bryant Family Cabernet Sauvignon. I’m Sam Riegel, a man of the people. I put on my pants in the morning just like you guys: with one servant per leg and two more strapping on my girdle. I’m Sam Riegel, a regular joe. When I get back from work, my dog Zuckerberg always jumps up and greets me at the airlock. My two lovely kids, uh… J-Jim? James? I want to say Jim? And... the girl? Well, they’re the love of my life, the apple of my eye. I couldn’t do this without them— you know, I think there might be a third kid, but don’t quote me on that. I’m Sam Riegel, and whatever you might think of me, I’m devoted every Thursday night for the past 18 months to shining a weird, wacky, musical, and sometimes clever light on the fine people at D&D Beyond. Why should I lead them? Because I literally have no other skills. So please, give me this chance to show what I can bring to this company, this game we love, to D&D! And Beyond. Thank you. And God Bless— you know what, it’s just two kids, I think the third one was just over for a sleepover that night and I got confused. But it’s just two kids. God Bless Samerica. Liam?

    • Liam: Cut the music. Cut the music! Listen, folks. I don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad under Riegel’s stewardship of D&D Beyond. The bits are getting longer, and the prep time is getting shorter. Misinformed players are getting TPKd across the globe. Matthew Mercer is hiding from Silly String under the table. His wife is punching players left and right and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there's no end to it. We know the spots are unfit for broadcast and details are factually incoherent, and we sit watching our Twitch accounts while this organ grinder monkey would have us believe that D&D Beyond is about the yuks, and how many dicks we can slide into the conversation, as if that's the way it's supposed to be. We know things are bad — worse than bad. They're crazy. It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, and nobody questions it anymore. We sit here at our tables, and slowly the game we enjoy is turning into Romper Room, and all we can do is say, 'Please, I love this game so much. Just give me my half-orc and hit dice. I promise I’ll listen to this madman’s wining preferences and awful accent work. Week, after week. Critical Role, give me ten minutes of actual gameplay this week, I guess that’s enough.” And I say that’s not enough. I want you to get MAD! I don't want you to riot, I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to write to Chris Perkins, because I don't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about this man’s ignorance of rogue mechanics and or the flagrant firbolg shooting or the collusion with England and the constant ego fluffing. All I know is that first you've got to get mad. You've got to stand up, and say, “I'm a D&D Beyond user, god-dammit! These stats have value!” So, I want you all to get up. I want you to get up, out of you chairs. All of you, right now. I want you to go and spam the Twitch chat. Get up, and hammer that election box with your Johnson. I want you to create disgruntled fanart. I want you to get up and grab your computer, and enable voice-to-text, and I want you to yell, I want you to yell, “I’m mad. MAD.” I want you to yell, “I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE SAM ANYMORE!” Mordenkainen is ROLLING IN HIS GRAVE!

  • (Twitter) Sam and Liam agree that founding Critical Role Land is a bi-partisan issue.