Percy’s One-Liners

Anonymous asked: Would it be possible to make a compilation of Percy’s one-liners?

Thanks to @Clafairifed, Eric R., i-encourage-violence, icecream-s-coops, Kagey Kritter, kevvinn, Mel25200, pbandfluff, Rosie-lostbetweenthepages, Rowena Highlander, @SilentEnGee, @silv3rsing3r, vysoren-of-vord, wallflowerwaitlist and other fantastic critters for their help compiling this list!

Updated through Episode 61

03 Strange Bedfellows

  • (0:11:08) I’m going to cauterize the wound! There’s more than one way to make a person talk!
  • (2:08:02) Sometimes, a lava cave is just a lava cave.

05 The Trick About Falling

  • (0:31:40) In fact, we’ll be keeping your weapons, your armor and, I believe, your pride.

08 Glass and Bone

  • (0:28:01) Scanlan, no one else wants to go to a whore house with you. You’ll be going to whore houses alone.

11 The Temple Showdown

  • (2:47:14) Screw you, I want my final words with you to be indignant and irritated.
  • (2:50:36) Die with hilarity, or die not at all.

13 Escape from the Underdark

  • (1:11:07) Some people have no sense of f***ing honor!
  • (2:51:25) No one can tell when I’m lying! … All right, I’m lying.

15 Skyward

  • (3:33:00) That almost feels like cheating. (After seeing Kima heal herself.)

18 Trial of the Take Part 1

  • (0:46:17) Like a 14-year-old whose father doesn’t love him enough to teach him how to groom himself.

19 Trial of the Take Part 2

  • (0:59:30) We’re not here based on other people’s expectations. We’re here because we thought we could handle this and nothing has changed.
  • (2:46:03) I built a thing and it blew up kind of on purpose!
  • (2:48:19) I’m sorry, I’m a genius!  I’m sorry!  Sorry!  God, I’m clever!

23 The Rematch

  • (0:24:02) Tiberius: Taliesin… Taliesin: You just NPC-ed me. You just NPC-ed me all over the place.
  • (0:24:33) We didn’t touch in my family.

24 The Feast

  • (1:14:08) Daggers so sharp it could cut the sexual tension.
  • (2:42:12) Scanlan: Percy, that’s amazing! What do you call it? […] Percy: I call it Diplomacy.

25 Crimson Diplomacy

  • (1:57:10) No they won’t [kill you]. Because I will kill you first. Now, tell me what you’ve seen.
  • (3:08:51) You fool, your soul is forfeit! Die! Die!

29 Whispers

  • (2:42:48) If you’re lucky, you die last.
  • (3:23:28) This is for the de Rolos. And let me say, you were the one I was least looking forward to.

30 Stoke the Flames

  • (0:21:40) I was hoping that, when I finished serving revenge, I could serve repentance.

33 Reunions

  • (p1. 0:31:49) You are, at the moment, the luckiest person in Whitestone. Do you know why? Because you’re at the bottom of my list.
  • (p1. 1:06:58) Anna, I’m going to take a leap of faith and believe, contrary to all evidence, that you are a smart woman.
  • (p1. 2:02:10) You’re the face I saw when murder entered my heart. This is your doing.

34 Race to the Ziggurat

  • (2:30:13) The darkness demands your soul, Sylas.

35 Denouement

  • (p1. 0:42:54) I’ve killed two of those who wronged me, and nothing is better. Nothing feels better. Nothing is avenged.
  • (p1. 0:44:34) I’m not satisfied. I want my money back.
  • (p1. 0:46:53) Fix this and join your beloved.
  • (p2. 0:45:34) Earn your life again.

36 Winter’s Crest in Whitestone

  • (1:04:25) [The ball under the cup] could [be somewhere else] … but it’s there. Because it’s not anywhere else other than there.
  • (1:05:06) Well, I am a dark and evil demonic creature so … you know.

37 A Musician’s Nostalgia

  • (0:12:43) Don’t put a number on family.
  • (4:18:45) … and my compliments to the chef. Good night.

39 Omens

  • (2:40:38) That’s the most privileged thing I’ve ever said that you’ve heard.
  • (2:41:42) Scanlan: You don’t have 20 gold?! Percy: Oh, I do, just not for your daughter.
  • (2:44:08) Guard, escort the commoner out of the room.
  • (2:46:32) Shush, performer.

42 Dangerous Dealings

  • (0:23:22) I’m relying on greed. It tends to be exceedingly reliable!
  • (1:08:56) This is politics. You’re not supposed to like them.
  • (2:53:49) I’ve met the devil. That’s not him.

44 The Sunken Tomb

  • (1:17:00) I think we’re very broken people, but I think together we are far greater than the sum of our parts.
  • (2:26:21) We get two tries each. It’ll be great! (in reference to sticking their hands into a swinging blades trap)
  • (3:38:48) Sorry, I don’t speak fish.

45 Those Who Walk Away…

  • (1:41:42) This is an evening of unbridled guilt.
  • (2:18:08) Your secret is safe with my indifference.

48 Into the Frostweald

  • (0:58:56) I’m a collector as well, actually! Yes, of specifics.
  • (1:00:01) [Transmutation’s] the veganism of necromancy.
  • (1:36:00) Scanlan’s helping me find a room that, apparently, is so soundproof that we actually don’t have to hear anyone else’s drama!

49 A Name is Earned

  • (3:12:54) Grog: What do you see, Percy? Percy: I see a door that I have conquered.

50 Best Laid Plans

  • (0:41:20) If I were you, I would put it back; or else it will be the last meal you ever eat; for as I will find an abyss so deep and so far that you will never taste a drop of blood again. Thanks to minion-dar!

53 At Dawn, We Plan!

  • (1:21:38) Never underestimate the paranoia of rich people.
  • (1:22:30) Vex: I’m sorry, who’s talking, who’s this? Percy: It’s the Voice of Reason, coming from downstairs.

56 Hope

  • (2:37:45) [The staff is] unpaid now, so now they’re squatters.
  • (2:45:28) You can’t just abandon something like this, there’s too much here. Otherwise, it becomes our friend Pike from Nowhere.
  • (2:51:25) The terrible woman may have a point.
  • (2:52:44) Percy: If you’re properly titled, you’ll have money elsewhere and you’ll figure it out. Westruun resident: Hmph!  Percy: *disgusted* New money.
  • (2:56:14) Awkward woman makes a fine point!
  • (3:08:05) I am Percy Fredrickstein von Musel Klowssowki de Rolo III, my ancestry dates back thousands of years, and will continue for thousands more unless Whitestone falls. I live as long as Whitestone lives.

57 Duskmeadow

  • (0:42:49) Grog: Hey, Percy, he wants his claw to be cooler than the lady’s hand. Percy: That’s very easy, she has no aesthetics whatsoever.
  • (0:44:14) Victor: I’m undecided about you (Percy).  Percy: You’re not alone.
  • (3:11:21) Percy: I’ve had a terrible thought, and it is sort of my business to have terrible thoughts.

59 The Feywild

  • (2:22:22) Every time I’ve seen anything attractive and naked it’s gone very poorly today.
  • (2:33:58) I’ve known a lot of people with money, and they are definitely not worth you.

60 Heredity and Hats

  • (0:54:44) It’s Lady Vex’ahlia. Lady Vex’ahlia, Baroness of the Third House of Whitestone and Grandmistress of the Grey Hunt.
  • (0:55:09) So, good sir, despite your relationship with her, do watch your manners.
  • (2:11:47) Don’t cast Friends on people, it’s not nice.
  • (2:21:56) Lovely field, I apologize for the rudeness of my compatriots. We will be gentle trouncing through you. We’ll make as little mark as we can and enjoy the splendor of your ever-changing colors. You are majestic, you are windswept–I’m flirting with grass–you are everything I could hope for in a beautiful view.