Puns, Season 1

ledamemangociana asked: hi, Crit Role Stats team! i feel like this is the best place to ask about this - would you happen to have stats or an outline of all the puns (and their timestamps) ever made on the show?

Oh boy, do we ever…

Updated through Episode 36.  Thanks to all of our volunteers for their contributions to this list!

01 Arrival at Kraghammer

  • (0:34:28) Vax’ildan: (in reference to the mines) Sounds like a dirty business.
  • (0:38:15) Marisha: It’s like living in Alaska.  Sam: Dwarven Alaska.  Taliesin: (G)Nome, Alaska.
  • (1:08:40) (In reference to Tiberius getting blasted away from House Thunderbrand) Damn gated communities.
  • (2:03:49) Vax’ildan: [Pike’s] feeling awfully bafta (BAFTA/bashful) today.
  • (2:14:59) Greyspine: She stepped on a few toes… Tiberius: Was she clumsy?
  • (2:18:00) Vax: We’re here to right wrongs.  Grog: Yeah, we’re here to right wrongs and right lefts.  Percy: And write comment cards.

02 Into the Greyspine Mines

  • (0:17:04) Grog: Can we look in the hole a little more? Vex’ahlia: We’re going to go into the hole in just a minute.  Grog: You promise?  Vax’ildan: You did that last night.
  • (2:46:16) The various brain-pun names for the Brain creature (Lobey, Jeff Lobey, Lisa Loeb)

04 Attack on the Duergar Warcamp

  • (2:00:32) All the duergar have disadvantage b/c of the light off Grog’s helmet.  Grog: It’s ‘cause I’m so bright!” Keyleth: You’re the brightest tool in the shed today!

05 The Trick About Falling

  • (1:48:44) (after finding out K'varn resides in a city surrounded by a fungal forest) Liam: he sounds like a really fun guy.

06 Breaching the Emberhold

  • (0:58:37) Liam: When we get back to the group, I’m going to toss the arm to Grog. […] Grog: Thanks for the hand!
  • (1:37:20) Matt: Trinket can fit.  Ashley: Just bear-ly!

07 The Throne Room

  • (3:10:20) Matt: Tiberius’ now fully-stone form falls off the scorpion, onto the ground.  Sam: He’s stoned!

08 Glass and Bone

  • (0:44:27) Liam: Can I apply my Luck feat to this?  Laura: You don’t have any feet left.
  • (2:31:16) Scanlan: “What a grizzly situation!” In reference to Trinket making death-saving throws.

10 K’varn Revealed

  • (1:17:55) Liam: I saw where Tiberius pulled the eye out and that’s what I’m aiming at, his eye socket…. Sam: Sock it to me!
  • (1:19:00) Matt: There is no wind in this tunnel.  Taliesin: Oh, we can make wind.  Grog: We can make wind!  Laura: Ask Grog!  (yep, fart pun.)

13 Escape from the Underdark

  • (1:05:33) Marisha: Flo(w) just got real!
  • (1:35:53) Ashley: He can bear-ly hold me!
  • (3:06:10) Percy: I trust them (the order of the Platinum Dragon); they have a sterling reputation.

14 Shopping and Shipping

  • (1:34:57) Grog: A rabbit hole…is that what we’re calling it these days?

15 Skyward

  • (1:03:51) Taliesin: Call it a bear-rel roll
  • (2:27:46) Sam: Ah, just winged him! (to Taliesin in reference to his wing shot against a wyvern)

16 Enter Vasselheim

  • (2:46:30) Tiberius: The Yawn/Yan/Jan discussion

17 Hubris

  • (0:02:24) Orion: Your CON-gresmen!
  • (1:23:17) Vax: If it’s any consolation… Grog: What’s that?  Taliesin: It’s a group of stars in the sky.
  • (2:08:41) Taliesin/Percy: …Somebody was feeding it. Sam/Scanlan: They’re not monkeying around
  • (2:30:25) Scanlan: I got a head!  Vax’ildan: You’re getting ahead in life!

18 Trial of the Take Part 1

  • (0:17:41) Matt: …he’s a little groggy…” Grog: He’s a little WHAT? He’s a little what?  Matt: He’s a little groggy.  Just a little bit.  Grog: Lucky chap.
  • (0:27:44) Scanlan to Felicia: You seem like a member of The Guild
  • (0:32:10) Percy: You should try the biscuits, they’re slaying me (at the Slayer’s Take).
  • (0:38:26) Taliesin: Scotch Tape would do it, too.  Mary Elizabeth: The Scots have nothing to do with it.
  • (1:06:35) Taliesin: At the bear-est minimum
  • (1:07:40) (After Lyra berates her for underhanded spell casting) Zahra: My spell casting is actually over hand.
  • (1:11:57) Zahra: Loaded for bear, as it were
  • (1:39:09) Sam: Oh my Grog!

19 Trial of the Take Part 2

  • (1:18:47) “It’s a grizzly sight.” Taliesin talking about Trinket showing off his male genitals.

22 AraMente to Pyrah

  • (1:43:11) Vex’ahlia: It’s groggy *looks at Grog* *Grog eyerolls*

23 The Rematch

  • (1:14:00) (after Grog’s repeated pummeling of Kern’s nether region) Scanlan: Hey Kern, need some dick?  ‘Cause I gave some to your mom last night!
  • (1:17:49) Bastion: C’mon, we’re draggin’ ‘em off!  Tiberius: You said draggin’!  I’m a dragon!

24 The Feast

  • (2:22:40) Tiberius: And I use my Still Image and take a picture.  Taliesin: Say staffie.  Just say staffie.
  • (2:51:13) Scanlan: [Percy] had the runs.  Tiberius: He was running around a lot.

26 Cows and Consequences

  • (2:30:13) “Let’s go deal with this bullshit.”
  • (2:34:02) “I have an itch, and it can only be scratched by a cowbell.”
  • (2:38:14) “It’s cow-maflague!”
  • (2:44:41) “Roll for cow stealth!”
  • (2:56:04) “What a heroic moooove!”
  • (2:57:00) “Vox MOOOOChina!”
  • (2:57:47) “Moo-urns.”
  • (3:03:37) “This is udderly ridiculous.”

27 The Path to Whitestone

  • (0:27:16) Taliesin: “Am-bear-dexterous.”
  • (0:34:55) Taliesin: “I don’t have a dodge?” Orion: “Do you have a Ford instead?” Thanks to Conner for the find!
  • (3:01:46) Taliesin: On whether the horses will starve to death: “Nay!”

28 The Sun Tree

  • (0:36:46) Discussion of Percy’s, uh…gun…misfiring (Grog: it happens to all guys sometimes!)
  • (0:59:32) Word Play on behir/be here
  • (1:34:27) Scanlan: It looks like these giants had [David Caruso Sunglasses Swipe] big trouble.
  • (1:44:37) Keyleth: You could ride me into town. Scanlan: Oh hello lady!
  • (2:10:13) Vax’ildan: It was a lemon party (in reference to Grog’s ‘pee on a lemon tree’ comment and Matt’s follow-up explanation)
  • (2:22:03) Scatlan

29 Whispers

  • (0:30:41) Vax: Do you have a short sword?  Scanlan:  Everything I have is short.
  • (0:54:22) Sam: I got a 7! (initiative roll) Taliesin: I got an 11!  Together, we can get a slurpee!
  • (2:13:47) Marisha: Sir North Korea (play on evil Sir Kerrion)
  • (2:34:58) Marisha: A music room!  How Riegel!
  • (2:51:45) Sam: Sir Korea
  • (3:17:31) Marisha: Faery Fire always makes it weird.
  • (3:27:28) Matt: Vouk is currently *looks around scared* looking very… Sam: He’s Vouked.

30 Stoke the Flames

  • (1:03:51) Sam: By the way, I’m holding my dick with one hand and the wand in the other.  Matt: So, you’re dual-wielding.
  • (1:05:15) Liam: Oh man, that’s so Ravenloft!
  • (1:10:17) Marisha: I’m real groggy.  Matt (looking over at Travis): You’re Groooooogy….sorry, I’m so sorry.
  • (1:18:34) Sam: That stake was….well done.
  • (2:04:34) Marisha: …see if there’s any indications that the Briarwoods might have… Travis: monitoring?… Marisha: Yeah, like, a bug?  Liam: An insect?

31 Gunpowder Plot

  • (p1. 0:24:41) Anyone who come through that door gets an instant…they get an instagore!
  • (p1. 1:32:20) That’s a critical rawr!
  • (p2. 0:01:40) The box of Tylieri’s jewelry is dubbed The Tylieri Family Jewels

32 Against the Tide of Bone

  • (1:10:31) (after Grog puts a hole in the zombie giant’s head and dislodges its jaw) Look, Pike, it’s hole-y!

33 Reunions

  • (p1. 0:35:42) Matt: The bear, which ‘til this point has been barely visible, steps out of the shadows… Sam: Bearly?
  • (p2. 33:50) Taliesin: You’ve squeezed all you’re going to get out of that (poo scry and related humor)

34 Race to the Ziggurat

  • (0:14:04) Briorities-in discussion of Laura choosing to leave The Game Awards to come kill Briarwoods
  • (0:15:50) Grog: how can you have my back…if it’s on me?

35 Denouement

  • (p1. 0:41:40) (as Percy puts the gun to Delilah’s head) Scanlan: You’re going to shoot an unarmed woman?
  • (p1. 1:12:18) (at Orthax’s name reveal) Scanlan: I hired them to get rid of some termites in my house once.
  • (p1. 1:26:32) Vax’ildan: …hide behind Trinket’s bear/bare ass…
  • (p1. 1:28:59) (Vicious Mockery I) Scanlan: Didn’t you know: smoking is the number one cause of cancer?!
  • (p1. 1:44:06) Keyleth: I’m going to throw up (faery fire)…  Scanlan: You’re going to throw up? Keyleth: Yes *barf sound*
  • (p1. 1:51:44) (Vicious Mockery II) Scanlan: AND ANOTHER THING, smoking encourages minors to smoke…!

36 Winter’s Crest in Whitestone

  • (0:34:24) Scanlan: It sounds like it would be the quickest ROOT to go
  • (0:34:41) Taliesin: Way to go out on a limb there
  • (1:28:40) Liam: Show us your diddies!
  • (2:07:34) Marisha: Pie modifier.  Taliesin and Marisha: 3.14
  • (2:31:43) Scanlan: Did you wink somebody for that?!
  • (3:36:33) Scanlan: I got you an Amazon gift card.